September 23rd, 2010
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
September 18th, 2010
* Joy Behar on Economics: “Isn’t it a little racist to call it Black Friday?
* Rosie O’Donnell: “Don’t fear the terrorists. They’re mothers and fathers.”
* Congressman Hank Johnson on Guam: “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.”
* Senator Chris Dodd on the campaign trail: “Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.”
* Congresswoman Maxine Waters on socialism: “Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal will be about socializing…uh, um…Would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies.”
August 10th, 2010
* “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen
* “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Steven Wright
* “The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.” – Casey Stengal
* “Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.” – George Carlin
June 24th, 2010
BONNIE and CLYDE
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.” – Bill Cosby
“Don’t be so humble–you’re not that great.” – Golda Meir
“In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.” – Bill Flavin
“Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy.” – Unknown
June 8th, 2010
* The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure… great discoveries are made by mistake.
* All’s well that ends.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.
* To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
* After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
May 20th, 2010
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
* With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
January 7th, 2010
Q: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
A: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk, in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
December 24th, 2009
They continue to entertain us even when they don’t want to. Look over these “Words of Wisdom” from some of our favorite celebs:
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
— Mariah Carey
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
— Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out of his chest”.
— Lt. R. Travis, Newburgh, NY, Police Dept,
cited in National Lampoon calendar
from Jim Reisert (Hudson, MA, USA)
“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
— Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst