November 6th, 2011
October 11th, 2011
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon invaded Russia. It seemed like a good idea at the time. – Bill Cosby
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who will give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down. – George Burns
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an Insurance Salesman?
– Woody Allen
September 6th, 2011
“That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!”
“Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.”
“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?”
“Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?”
“Ya’ know, there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ’em.”
“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
“What’s this doing here?”
“Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
“This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?”
“Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.”
“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
July 24th, 2011
December 29th, 2010
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
* Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
December 27th, 2010
* On top of a pickle relish jar:
“I relish the thought of meeting your buns.”
* “The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!”
* “You only live once… but if you live it right, once is enough.”
* “I can resist anything but temptation.”
* “Resistance drains energy…
acceptance saves it…
cheerfulness sustains it.”
November 22nd, 2010
* An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. -Irv Kupcinet
* May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
and your pies take the prize,
and may your Thanksgiving dinner
stay off your thighs!
* My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
* Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. -Erma Bombeck
November 10th, 2010
* “Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.” – Igor Stravinsky
* “You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” – Al Capone
* “Sit by the homely girl; you’ll look better by comparison.” – Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
* “After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.” – Rhode Island Superintendent of Schools
October 20th, 2010
* I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
— Woody Allen
* The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.
— A. A. Milne
* We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
* Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
* What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.
— John Ruskin
* People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
— Zig Ziglar
* When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
— Norm Crosby
October 18th, 2010
* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
* If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.