October 11th, 2011
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon invaded Russia. It seemed like a good idea at the time. – Bill Cosby
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who will give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down. – George Burns
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an Insurance Salesman?
– Woody Allen
September 16th, 2011
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” – Kermit the Frog
“Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.” – anonymous
“Free the Indianapolis 500!” – Abbie Hoffman
August 15th, 2011
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Which is the other side of the street?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
August 10th, 2011
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said,
‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said
he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t
say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About
15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I
cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are
with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure out why.
July 16th, 2011
“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there would be a shortage of sand.” – Milton Friedman
“Many people want the government to protect the consumer. A much more urgent problem is to protect the consumer from the government.” – Milton Friedman
“Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program.” – Milton Friedman
“The black market was a way of getting around government controls. It was a way of enabling the free market to work. It was a way of opening up, enabling people.”
– Milton Friedman
“The Great Depression, like most other periods of severe unemployment, was produced by government mismanagement rather than by any inherent instability of the private economy.”
– Milton Friedman
“The greatest advances of civilization, whether in architecture or painting, in science and literature, in industry or agriculture, have never come from centralized government.”
– Milton Friedman
June 8th, 2011
“If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME crap why didn’t he just buy dinner?”
“Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’.”
“If skinny people go skinny dipping, does that mean fat people go chunky dunking?”
“I never finish anyth… “
April 25th, 2011
1. Dear baby stroller manufacturers,
Is the warning sticker that says, “Do not fold stroller while baby is still inside” really necessary?
2. Dear medicine commercial,
There is no way I’m buying it if over half of the commercial is a list of side effects.
Sincerely, I just want a cure
April 1st, 2011
Sexual Conduct will always peak our interests. So, here goes:
Men and women typically spend two years of their lives making love.
Four Popes checked out (died) while participating in sex.
More than 11,000 Americans hurt themselves every year trying out bizarre sexual positions.
At least 25% of Swedish women have had sex with more than 50 men.
And last but not least, it’s true. Male pigs do have 15 to 30 minute orgasms. Pig squealing makes a little more sense now.
February 7th, 2011
* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up and prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phones, and “Pinning the Tail on the Donkey”. But I’ll bet my butt everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
December 27th, 2010
* On top of a pickle relish jar:
“I relish the thought of meeting your buns.”
* “The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!”
* “You only live once… but if you live it right, once is enough.”
* “I can resist anything but temptation.”
* “Resistance drains energy…
acceptance saves it…
cheerfulness sustains it.”